Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m good, thanks.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”