taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*