taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Bond. Trauma bond.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
We’re all getting idioter.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger