taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier