taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?