taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I identify as an antique shop.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
yeah no that’s fair
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say