Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?