Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
THE AUDACITY. 😤
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
got so much cardio in today
