[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Catercrombie & Fish
inside you are two wolves
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN