[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
You Might Also Like
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.