[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
necessity is the mother of invention
I can’t stop watching this.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.