[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
You Might Also Like
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Still cracks me up
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.