Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Flock of bats
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
🍞🦆
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
2023 was just a warmup
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.