Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.