Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My favorite farside!!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more