[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Ain’t no way
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️