Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to properly lift a body

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.