Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Squirrels before girls.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.