Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
okay run it by me one more time
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.