Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]