Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Yoga Matt

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.