Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My teenage children choosing violence
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
#Caturday
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes