Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
when a toddler tells a story
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”