Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
boat question
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.