Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
john wicks are toilet candles
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside