Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
こいつ天才
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.