Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
is this a warning or an offer?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑