Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth