[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
You Might Also Like
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.