Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?