Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?