Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Doctors texting each other.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!