The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
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Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET