Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

called in thicc to work this morning

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.

Me:

Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…

Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

I ain’t wearing no wire

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁