Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

an airline just for babies.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts