*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.