Taking vocabulary to a whole new thingy

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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife


Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.


Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.


I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA


How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.


“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation