Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
this chia pet tastes awful
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Fries, not lies.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”