Taliband
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”