I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
my professor scared me for a second
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine