Taliband
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.