Talk about a bad egg
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
constantly working on myself.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”