Talk about a bad egg
You Might Also Like
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff