Talk about a bad egg
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Worth remembering.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.