Talk about a bad egg
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I needed a laugh this morning.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry