Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Always a housemaid, never a house.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.