Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.