Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’d hang this in my house.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
