*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Practicing safe sax
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.