My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer
Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require?
Me: Oh! Don’t mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.