DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.
Her: Where’s your son?
Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”