@cigarin

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

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@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@JanineEB4

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

@kimholcomb

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

@ThaJawn

Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@ToskaXxx

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”