@cigarin

Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

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@Parkerlawyer

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

@DBMaxP

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

@ThisLocalHater

All I want for Christmas is to have this generational curse lifted and also maybe an air fryer

@GrrrRach

Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don’t mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.

@Ctrapmrspash

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

@thepaulasuzanne

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

@UnFitz

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.