Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.