Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.