Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?![]()
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.