Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh