Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.