Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The options really are this bad
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“What movie?” 🤔
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
saving face 👀
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*