Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.