Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My fantasy football season is going great
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.