Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*