Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Happy Caturday!
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Battery falling down a hole
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.