Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Got a light
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”