Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Livid.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry