Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
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*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’ve been drinking.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.