Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.