Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.