Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

my friends when i can’t do basic math

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.