Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

is nasa ok

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*