Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

Good morning

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*