Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to