Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Okay

True freaking story!

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

We’re all getting idioter.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast