Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.