Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Oh. My. God.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”