Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
🎵 I can’t wait to
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.