Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon